Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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