Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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