wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
