I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
