thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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