Where did you get a picture of my penis
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
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