Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
