Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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