Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
