i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
