Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
