So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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