Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Someone signed my nipple.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
