my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
