Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
