Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
