mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
