i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
