Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
