Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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