before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
