it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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