I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
