all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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