Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
