I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize