My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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