Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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