So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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