all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
