It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
