he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
