I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
