I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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