went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize