my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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