I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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