now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
