Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
