Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
