Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
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