Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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