whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
