walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
