Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize