Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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