So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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