this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
