i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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