I can't watch pbs sober anymore
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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