matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
