Swine flu is the new snow day.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
