I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
