I am spending my child support on dildos
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
