Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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