Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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