I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
