i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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