I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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