she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
