goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
