i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
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