I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
