I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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