Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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