You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize